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1
Accept your past. If you’ve been hurt in the past, you really need to begin to cope with that feeling before you can love someone else. You may feel that things you did in the past will make you unlovable, or that you have too many problems to be lovable. Maybe you feel that because your past relationships failed, all others are doomed to fail as well. But this is not the case and you should never feel for a moment that what has happened to you before will keep you from being happy now. Accept the things that happened to you, forgive, and move on.
2
Get rid of the list. You know the list: that compendium of requirements that a potential partner or friend must meet, kept in your head or even written down. Yeah, get rid of that. Recognize that by keeping such a list, you’re creating the person you want to be with, rather than meeting the person you’re meant to be with. Real people don’t fit in boxes. You can certainly keep in mind qualities that you want a person to have, but don’t require someone to meet all of them and make sure you’ve got your priorities in order.^[1]
3
Reconsider your priorities. If you’re putting a nice butt before a stable personality, you’re going to have a really tough time in relationships. Same goes for things like valuing friends who get you into the best clubs over friends who’ll hold your hair back while you puke. Take those items from your list (discussed above) and separate them out into wants vs needs. Then take a hard look at why you prioritize the things you do.
4
Open yourself to new possibilities. Once you’ve given some hard thought to what really matters to you in your relationships, take another look at the people around you and the people that you meet every day. Maybe people you’d previously dismissed will suddenly seem okay. You’ll find...potential. And that’s all you need to start with. Potential may not feel like love at first sight, but it can grow into the most beautiful and stable love you’ve experienced.
5
Love yourself. Before loving anyone else, you have to love yourself. This is important on so many levels. It will show you how to experience love, it will send a message to people you love that you are worth loving in return, and it will make you a better lover because you will not be hindered by self-doubt and confidence issues.
- If you have problems loving yourself, then change yourself. Build your self confidence by doing something wonderful and being a better person. Conquer all of your bad habits that make you self-conscious. Just don’t expect to make yourself into the perfect person, because perfect people do not exist.
6
Have something to offer others. When you go to start a relationship, be it romantic or platonic, you’ll want to be sure that you bring something to that relationship. Having nothing to offer will give you and probably the other person the sense that you are a leech. Work on giving as much as you take, in all your relationships, and you’ll be set for success.
7
Be vulnerable. Unfortunately, loving someone means that they can hurt you. This is normal and okay (and almost inevitable). But if you want to have real love, you need to allow yourself to open with that person. Don’t keep secrets from them, don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t, but instead give them the opportunity to know the real you.
8
Give it time. Don’t force love and don’t try to speed it up. This will only create false feelings which drain you emotionally and leave you feeling empty and unsatisfied. You can’t rush love. But believe that it will come because it most certainly will. You just have to find the right person.

EditPart 2 of 5: Loving Like a Pro

1
Respect everyone. Respect everyone in your life. Respect your friends, your family, and your lovers. Respecting someone is an incredibly important part of loving them. You have to respect someone you love and if you don’t respect them then you don’t really love them. Respect mostly comes down to realizing that everyone is a worthwhile person, with valid opinions and experiences. Realize that the other person has their own wishes and desires, and rights to privacy and dignity. If you can’t think these things about another person, then you can’t love them.
2
Take people for who they are. Everyone is different. This doesn’t make anyone better or worse than anyone else. If you want to love someone, you need to take them for everything that they are, good and bad. Realize that none of those traits may be permanent and that if you want them to change, you have to help them want that change for themselves. Give them the tools they need to make the change. They aren’t yours to mold into your personal statue of perfection.
3
Focus on the positives. When you love someone, you should always keep focus on their positive traits. Find the things that you love about them and then give them the tools they need to amplify those traits. Focusing on nitpicky things you dislike about them will only make both of you unhappy in the end.
- If they’re a good singer, for example, help them to record a song and get it out to people. If you love how tidy they are, try to help them out by taking some of the pressure off and let them know how much you appreciate it when they do clean.
4
Embrace the negatives. There are inevitably things that annoy or frustrate us about the people we have relationships with. You need to learn to love someone not despite these traits but, as much as possible, because of them. Try to loosen up and find the humor in the things they do. This will stress you out less and make your relationships much stronger and stable.
- She may be loud and tend to say just about everything on her mind, but try to look at those traits in a new light. Maybe she can be your Leslie Knope.
5
Communicate clearly and often. If you want real love to build and grow, you need to keep constant communication. This doesn’t just mean talking about the weather every day; you need to talk about real things that are affecting your lives and your actions. Most importantly, you need to talk about the problems you encounter with each other. Don’t just be the person starting the conversations and handing out criticism, though. You need to create an environment where the other person feels comfortable coming to you with their problems too.
6
Forgive when you’re wronged, forgive when you wrong. You need to release negative feelings when they crop up in the relationship. Don’t hold on to grudges or embarrassment, as this will only make your life worse. Instead, learn to forgive and move on when the other person hurts you and forgive yourself when you’ve made mistakes. All you need to do is take the lessons from those experiences and make the relationship better.
7
Constantly make yourself and those you love better people. A good, loving relationship is one where you constantly challenge each other to be better people. Help the other person to achieve their dreams and goals because you believe they deserve it. Improve yourself and work for your dreams so that you can be the person you feel they deserve. We should be better people because of the relationships that we have, and this is the way to do it.
8
Be a good friend. Whether you’re trying to create and grow love in a platonic or romantic relationship, you need to be a good friend to the person you love. Love is about more than kissing and hugging: it’s about being there when someone needs you and helping them unselfishly. Work to be as good a friend to them as you can be, and let them do the same.

EditPart 3 of 5: Surviving the Hardships

1
Talk through your problems. You will inevitably encounter problems in your relationship. Maybe there was a breach of trust or someone was hurt by something that got said. Whatever the reason for the hurt feelings, whether intentional or not, you need to talk between the two of you and get everything sorted out. Come to understand each other and patch the holes in the relationship before they become too big.^[2]
- Make sure that everybody gets a turn to talk, don’t interrupt, and respect the other person. Just because their opinion is different doesn’t make it wrong.
2
Eliminate jealousy. This is one of the unhealthiest things to have in a relationship, as it can break down trust and respect, and create barriers. For some people, this can be the most challenging part of relationships. Jealousy is a tough thing to break, but you can do it. The most important thing to understand is that jealousy issues almost always come from within, from the jealous person’s own issues, so those need to be worked through first. This is a place where those communication skills come in handy.
- This is, of course, assuming one person in the relationship is running around blatantly cheating on the other. In which case, they don’t really love the person they’re hurting, now do they?
3
Try to see issues from all sides. We hate to be wrong. Everyone does. But the thing about everyone thinking they’re right is that someone HAS to be wrong. If we disagree on an issue, we’re bound to be wrong on at least part of the issue. You’ll have much stronger relationships if you learn to talk things out with the other person, see their point of view, and find somewhere in the middle where you can meet and agree.
4
Count your blessings. When things get tough, money runs out or someone loses a job, etc., the way to get through these tough times is to focus on the things in your life that are good. Don’t worry about all the things you don’t have, because you will always not have a lot of things. That’s out of your control. But you can enjoy and find love in the things that you do have right now, while you have them. Appreciate this moment.
5
Learn your lessons. Yes, bad things will happen in your relationships. You’ll say the wrong thing, or they’ll hurt your feelings. It happens. The important part, when anything goes wrong (even if it’s just problems in your life), is to learn your lessons and just keep moving forward. Try to make the most of any negative situation, turning it into something positive by gaining and growing from the experience. ^[3]
6
Be partners in life. The whole point of going through life with people you love is so that you can tackle life’s challenges together. Work together to find solutions, solve problems, and comfort each other when times get tough. We can’t solve everything on our own, we can’t know everything there is to know...but a whole bunch of people getting together out of love can solve just about any problem.
7
Learn when to stop being involved. Sometimes people you love will make bad choices. Things will get tough and they will do things you won’t like. This can be very challenging. Do you still want to love them? This is a good time to understand that you can still love someone and separate yourself from what they’re doing. You don’t have to agree with them: you just have to love them even if they make their own life worse. Go hands-off and see if it improves your relationship with each other.^[4]
- This is a tricky balance, however. Sometimes people can be abusive or make our lives worse. Their negativity can drag us down. If this is the case, you may need to cut them out of your life, no matter how much you love them. You just have to realize that when they are like that, there’s nothing you can do to make them better and your love no longer benefits them. At that point, you shouldn’t waste your feelings on someone who you can’t help.

EditPart 4 of 5: Avoiding Pitfalls

1
Find their true beauty. Maybe your girlfriend looks like Jennifer Lawrence, but this shouldn’t be the reason you want to be with her. She may be pretty now but she probably won’t be 50 years from now. You won’t be either. When you love someone, you need to find their inner beauty, the thing that makes them unique and wonderful to you. This will make your love and relationship stronger. Relying or basing your love on their great skin or gorgeous hair is probably just going to end in disappointment for everyone.
2
Never, ever manipulate someone. Popular culture often tells us, subtly, that we should manipulate our significant other. You’ll find magazine upon magazine about how to get your girlfriend to do this or how to make your husband more that. But the thing is that expecting someone to change, and emotionally or mentally manipulating them into doing it, is one of the worst things you can do for your relationship. By manipulating them, you are creating distrust and resentment, a terrible thing to do to someone you love.
3
Don’t expect perfection. Don’t expect perfection in the person you love or in yourself. This sets incredibly unrealistic expectations. Neither of you will be able to live up to these standards and you both will end up hurt and disappointed. Even if you feel that you only expect perfection for yourself, this will give you the mindset that people can be perfect and you will subconsciously expect the same from the person you’re with.
4
Be selfish sometimes. If you constantly give in your relationships and don’t focus on your own needs every now and again, you will find that you become burnt out. In order to make yourself a better lover, be selfish on occasion and make sure you’re getting what you need to be happy too.
5
Never stop putting in effort. The person you love is always worth the effort, so never stop putting in the effort. It’s easy when two people have been together for awhile and you’ve become very trusting to just get very comfortable with each other. Maybe you don’t go out on dates anymore or maybe you don’t dress up nice for each other sometimes. But you should at least do these things occasionally, or eventually someone will feel like they’re no longer worth the effort.
6
Don’t bring outside problems into your relationships. Life gets stressful sometimes. We have problems and they make us upset, hurt, or angry. There are many, many people who take out these negative emotions on the people they love, often because they feel like they have no other outlet. But you should never do this. Find good ways to deal with your stress, like exercising or doing art. This will keep you from unreasonable outbursts directed at the person you love.
7
Don’t let things stagnate. Much like not putting in effort, you shouldn’t get to a point where your relationships are routine. Getting the same gift (or type of gift) for every holiday and birthday, going to the same place for dinners out, doing the same thing for your anniversary, etc….your love deserves better and so do you! Keep things interesting by always trying new things and pursuing new experiences together.
- You can be wild and crazy and try things like rock climbing or you can be more subdued and try learning a new skill together, like playing the piano.
8
Focus on the important things. One major pitfall of relationships is that we tend to get super focused on little things that drive us crazy, rather than seeing the bigger picture, which is often wonderful. Keep your focus on the things that actually matter, and constantly analyze why those things matter to you. You’ll have a much happier relationship if you do.

EditPart 5 of 5: Creating Healthy Perceptions

1
Remember that everyone is equal. It is important to understand, for developing relationships, that no one is better than you and you are not better than anyone else. We are all equal, with equally worthwhile problems, ideas, and beliefs. If anyone ever tries to convince you differently, no matter where they pray and no matter how much you admire them, they aren’t worthy of your love.
2
Understand that there is more than one person for you. Modern movies and stories have us believing that we have to find the One, that one person who completes us and is perfect for us. But the truth of the matter is that there is no One. No one is perfect. In all relationships there will be sacrifice and annoyance and problems. So really, as long as you aren’t expecting anyone to be perfect, there are lots of The One’s out there for you!
3
Break out of pre-defined roles. Our culture does a pretty good job of convincing us that women and women have to act a certain way or do certain things in a relationship. However, this doesn’t really work out that way in practice. Some men are just naturally good housekeepers and some women are just naturally good at fixing things. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses and those don’t conform to gender stereotypes. If you want to have healthy relationships, don’t feel constrained to those boxes: just do what you do best and work together to build a happy life!
4
Know when to cut and run. Of course, all of this advice doesn’t apply all of the time. Sometimes you will end up loving someone you really, really shouldn’t. This is when it’s important to know when to leave them. If someone hurts you physically, or abuses you emotionally, even if they say they don’t mean to or you force them to be that way, you need to leave. Someone who truly loves you would rather die than cause you that kind of pain. And you deserve better.
5
Rescue yourself. We grow up with these fairy tales that tell us that someday someone will come along and by loving them our lives will be so much better. All of our problems will just magically go away. Of course, that’s not really how life works. A life partner will help you cope with the problems in your life and will work with you to solve them, but no one is going to make those problems just go away. You have to rescue yourself. Be your own knight-in-shining-armor. Expecting someone else to do that for you will only result in putting way too much pressure on them and disappointing yourself in the long run.^[5]
6
Make your happily ever after. Like the myth of the knight in shining armor, you also need to understand that there are no automatic happy endings. You may find blissful love, but you’ll always come up against challenges together, as you and your lives change. If you want to have your happy ending, you have to work to make it happy every day by supporting each other, working together, and doing the things in life that make you happy.

Tips

There are many types of relationships that involve love, but love itself is a common thread to all those relationships. For example: a mother-son relationship is different from the relationship with a best friend, and both these relationships are different from a romantic relationship. But in each of these relationships, each person loves the other (wants the best for the other). Love is the base of the pyramid. On top of the base, we can add other items such as other common interests (in the case of friends) or sex (in the case of romantic relationships). Therefore, relationships can grow and evolve but the love itself is solid and constant. It does not change.
It does not make you a bad person to desire someone else's love, even if they do not love you. However, to truly love someone, you must let them be free. It is selfish to blame them for your feelings.
Remember there is no failure in love, because once you show somebody that you love them, then you have already succeeded in love, even if they don't care.
People become beautiful to you because you love them. In a society obsessed with appearance, it can often seem the other way around but the reality is that love makes a person beautiful and the imperfect perfect.

Warnings

Loving isn't always easy.
Never seek to force love. You can try but you'll find fear, neediness and insecurity, not love. Love will come if you're willing to share love, to give of it freely and to expect nothing in return.
The idea of romantic love is often fueled by fantasies and much of the romantic love shown in movies and romance novels is unrealistic and causes real mortals to feel inadequate. Be aware that creatively written or filmed romantic love is a thing of art in its own––mere mortals are recommended to see that romantic love has warts. The more expansively you view romantic love, the more accepting you are that romantic love isn't always ideal and the more certain you are about who you are and what matters to you in life, the more likely you'll be to find happiness in romance. Leave those rose colored glasses slightly lifted at all times!

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